And I will keep walking till the day I die.
Monday, October 17, 2005 Sometimes I wonder to myself, do i ever feel sad? Take today for ex....I screwed my bloody paper 1 up juz cuz I wrote out of point...and now I'm one category below the rest of the cohord. When Mr Audi spoke to me, he tried to help me find out where i gone wrong...sure, like he cud alter my marks after looking at it. But I know he juz wanna comfort/console me only...to point out my mistakes so I won't make them again... Well, I cud say I felt disappointed and angry with myself that i screwed up on such a major exam..and the most impt paper of all....I had to place my gut feeling that they might moderate and allow me to pass....thats wat mr audi said
Somehow, that totally took all my worries away..and I felt....normal again....how can this be? I shud be reflecting on myself...i shud still be worrying! But somehow, when i got back to my sit, Brenda asked me:
"Wei Jie, do you feel sad?"
I seriously didn't know...of cuz the "normal" reaction is a yes right? but somehow i didnt feel sad..i mean...this is the most impt paper, I screwed it up, and i cud still feel normal?? After that, we had PW, and I went arnd laughing and joking like it was any normal day...we were at the com lab/library touching up on wr...when Fiona heard she got a C for econs, she was so happy...I was also happy for her...and i even smiled....I failed my gp and i cud still smile....B4 we left the lib, I walked past Brenda again...and she asked me again...
"Wei Jie, do youi feel sad?"
I was kinda stunned...I shud be feeling this way...., why am I not feeling sad?? Sure I told several friends how i screwed my gp up, they gave their concerns...but it stops there. There's simply nothing more they can do for you. Its not as if I was telling them i screwed my chinese up...like hu the hell cares abt me screwing chinese up... In addition to that, Maurice called me upo for dinner at pizza hut after band...and to think I agreed...i thinka normal person would be alr heaiding home and crying his/her heart out on the bus or smth...but i was going to celebrate?! For what? cuz I faile dmy GP?? We talked abt lotsa things there...so I somehow "forgot" abt exam matters...LOL who in the right state of mind wud eva do that?? No one in this world wud be laughing and celebrating over a matter that can cause u to be kicked out of sch or retained...
Take for example, maths...this morn we received my marks...someone normal wud be like hoping for an A or B...but as for me, i was hoping for an a lvl pass.....wth....maths is by far my forte and im only hoping for so little...i rmb only spending 2 days revising for maths....one day was to do my sch past yr paper, another day left to memo formulae...and thats it....what rubbish practise did i do for maths? nothing....I rmb Ivan zapping 90 integratuion qns from some tys to do...I shud be doing that too...but i took things too easy...thats why I flunked my stupid maths and got a B instead..like everyone was getting an A lo...Mayb its cuz I din have any aim...I didnt aim to top the klz for maths...i din aim to beat anyopne...i din aim to get an A...all I aimed for was an A lvl pass.... Juz shows how stupid i am...
I dont feel sad for myself....any human wud have gone thru their ups and downs alr by this age, but I think I bottle them all up inside myself....somehow, I don think its right to trouble a friend to worry for u cuz of a mistake u made...mayb its cuz I see too many of such things happening...I see plp feeling real down and their friends trying their best to console them....what for? its no use crying over spilt milk u noe? and what more, make others arnd u worry for you also...i think its not right...so it naturally comes to me to bottle all my downs inside myself..and only share the ups with my friends...mayb its cuz I hate seeing the angry side of plp...mayb all I expect out of my life is fun, joy, happiness...and i want those i care arnd me to feel that way too....I dunno...but that sort of thinking is preety wimpy to me...makes me look like a softie....like i'll nvr be hardened.....but its my char...I cant change it.
I think, I feel sad for others...like I rmb last time when my sis and couz watched huan zhu gege, there were certain parts which were so touchy they cried...and since I was watching oso...i think I shed a tear or 2 too...but thats cuz i was feeling sad for the storyline...or smth like that howeav u put it.....I rmb when I was in pri smth or sec 1, my dad was a very demanding person..and one day, my sis came home at arnd 1 am....she's sec 4 i think...was during sch hols...and my father was so angry he nearly chased her out of the house....she was crying so bitterly then...she cried...I was so sad too that i cried myself oso.....now thinking back..i find myself so stupid
Another time, my sis bought a pager without my parents consent....I think the reason why she did that was cuz she was afraid mydad wudn't allow....somehow, the bills came...when my dad saw it, he was so angry he shouted and scolded at my sis...he wanted to destroy the pager and throw it away, and he wanted to terminate the line oso...my sister was crying then too...my dad even slapped her twice....the sound of being slapped so painfully is....not pleasant at all...and I started crying also....my sis begged my father not to destroy the pager and terminate the line....but at least allowed him to confiscate it...the whole scene then was...terrifying...my mum and I had no power to intervene.....I was too young then...and my mum....is a woman.....so she couldn't speak up for my sis.....
I cry for others...but i dont for myself....this is wierd...i shud be doing the exact opposite...im so pissed with myself...even while typing out this stupid post, I dont feel a sense of sadness in me...when my life is at stake btwn a kick out or a miracle of moderation...sigh.....but at least I dont treat this set back with dumb suicidal thoughts...hmmm mayb its cuz I know there will always be setbacks in life and one shud face up to it...so thats why i dont worry at all......... life sux.
Monday, October 17, 2005 Sometimes I wonder to myself, do i ever feel sad? Take today for ex....I screwed my bloody paper 1 up juz cuz I wrote out of point...and now I'm one category below the rest of the cohord. When Mr Audi spoke to me, he tried to help me find out where i gone wrong...sure, like he cud alter my marks after looking at it. But I know he juz wanna comfort/console me only...to point out my mistakes so I won't make them again... Well, I cud say I felt disappointed and angry with myself that i screwed up on such a major exam..and the most impt paper of all....I had to place my gut feeling that they might moderate and allow me to pass....thats wat mr audi said
Somehow, that totally took all my worries away..and I felt....normal again....how can this be? I shud be reflecting on myself...i shud still be worrying! But somehow, when i got back to my sit, Brenda asked me:
"Wei Jie, do you feel sad?"
I seriously didn't know...of cuz the "normal" reaction is a yes right? but somehow i didnt feel sad..i mean...this is the most impt paper, I screwed it up, and i cud still feel normal?? After that, we had PW, and I went arnd laughing and joking like it was any normal day...we were at the com lab/library touching up on wr...when Fiona heard she got a C for econs, she was so happy...I was also happy for her...and i even smiled....I failed my gp and i cud still smile....B4 we left the lib, I walked past Brenda again...and she asked me again...
"Wei Jie, do youi feel sad?"
I was kinda stunned...I shud be feeling this way...., why am I not feeling sad?? Sure I told several friends how i screwed my gp up, they gave their concerns...but it stops there. There's simply nothing more they can do for you. Its not as if I was telling them i screwed my chinese up...like hu the hell cares abt me screwing chinese up... In addition to that, Maurice called me upo for dinner at pizza hut after band...and to think I agreed...i thinka normal person would be alr heaiding home and crying his/her heart out on the bus or smth...but i was going to celebrate?! For what? cuz I faile dmy GP?? We talked abt lotsa things there...so I somehow "forgot" abt exam matters...LOL who in the right state of mind wud eva do that?? No one in this world wud be laughing and celebrating over a matter that can cause u to be kicked out of sch or retained...
Take for example, maths...this morn we received my marks...someone normal wud be like hoping for an A or B...but as for me, i was hoping for an a lvl pass.....wth....maths is by far my forte and im only hoping for so little...i rmb only spending 2 days revising for maths....one day was to do my sch past yr paper, another day left to memo formulae...and thats it....what rubbish practise did i do for maths? nothing....I rmb Ivan zapping 90 integratuion qns from some tys to do...I shud be doing that too...but i took things too easy...thats why I flunked my stupid maths and got a B instead..like everyone was getting an A lo...Mayb its cuz I din have any aim...I didnt aim to top the klz for maths...i din aim to beat anyopne...i din aim to get an A...all I aimed for was an A lvl pass.... Juz shows how stupid i am...
I dont feel sad for myself....any human wud have gone thru their ups and downs alr by this age, but I think I bottle them all up inside myself....somehow, I don think its right to trouble a friend to worry for u cuz of a mistake u made...mayb its cuz I see too many of such things happening...I see plp feeling real down and their friends trying their best to console them....what for? its no use crying over spilt milk u noe? and what more, make others arnd u worry for you also...i think its not right...so it naturally comes to me to bottle all my downs inside myself..and only share the ups with my friends...mayb its cuz I hate seeing the angry side of plp...mayb all I expect out of my life is fun, joy, happiness...and i want those i care arnd me to feel that way too....I dunno...but that sort of thinking is preety wimpy to me...makes me look like a softie....like i'll nvr be hardened.....but its my char...I cant change it.
I think, I feel sad for others...like I rmb last time when my sis and couz watched huan zhu gege, there were certain parts which were so touchy they cried...and since I was watching oso...i think I shed a tear or 2 too...but thats cuz i was feeling sad for the storyline...or smth like that howeav u put it.....I rmb when I was in pri smth or sec 1, my dad was a very demanding person..and one day, my sis came home at arnd 1 am....she's sec 4 i think...was during sch hols...and my father was so angry he nearly chased her out of the house....she was crying so bitterly then...she cried...I was so sad too that i cried myself oso.....now thinking back..i find myself so stupid
Another time, my sis bought a pager without my parents consent....I think the reason why she did that was cuz she was afraid mydad wudn't allow....somehow, the bills came...when my dad saw it, he was so angry he shouted and scolded at my sis...he wanted to destroy the pager and throw it away, and he wanted to terminate the line oso...my sister was crying then too...my dad even slapped her twice....the sound of being slapped so painfully is....not pleasant at all...and I started crying also....my sis begged my father not to destroy the pager and terminate the line....but at least allowed him to confiscate it...the whole scene then was...terrifying...my mum and I had no power to intervene.....I was too young then...and my mum....is a woman.....so she couldn't speak up for my sis.....
I cry for others...but i dont for myself....this is wierd...i shud be doing the exact opposite...im so pissed with myself...even while typing out this stupid post, I dont feel a sense of sadness in me...when my life is at stake btwn a kick out or a miracle of moderation...sigh.....but at least I dont treat this set back with dumb suicidal thoughts...hmmm mayb its cuz I know there will always be setbacks in life and one shud face up to it...so thats why i dont worry at all......... life sux.
wanderer